Depression

This is the face of depression. Behind the smile there is a struggle to get out of bed, to not cry when the self doubt or sense of failure hit. The constant feeling of not being good enough at being a mother to 3 beautiful children and the constant worry that I am letting one of those children down because my best is never enough. Not enough me, and not enough time to give each one everything that they need and deserve.

Lately the cloud of depression has followed me everywhere I go. It follows me to bed, it’s still there waiting for me when I wake in the morning. It is there stealing the joy from my life and preventing me from being the best me that I can be. Depression is not a choice, it is not something that anyone wants to have follow them around and it definitely isn’t the same as sadness or grief. Depression happens when you have wonderful things happening in your life, it is there like a dark shadow with frequent reminders of its existence. These reminders don’t slap you in the face one time during the day, instead the reminders are frequent and subtle. The shadow that lurks over you gives a gentle tap on your shoulder when you’re in a social situation and it tells you that no one cares what you’re saying and reminds you that this is why you have no friends. It’s there on your first day of your new job to remind you that you’re not good enough for this position and makes you doubt your awesome abilities to not only do your job but to say the right things when chatting with people around the office. The thief of joy, is there when you’re celebrating a friends wedding and it reminds you that you will never be as happy as she. Most importantly, it is there when you yearn for companionship and have an overwhelming since of loneliness. It is there because despite wanting company from another human being, you stay alone because that’s what depression is and that’s what the shadow and the dark cloud need you to be……….lonely, so that you can fixate on the self doubt, feeling of not belonging, not being good enough and then you start to question your purpose, your reason for being here on earth. This is my depression, this has been my journey for too many years to count. The thief of joy, the taker of my self worth has been with me for so long that I don’t know how to live without my shadow, without my cloud.